THE ART OF HOSTING

THE ART OF HOSTING

(Dorothy and Malcolm Stewart await the arrival of some of their neighbors for a dinner party.)

     “Oh Malcolm, I can’t believe we have lived here for almost a year and haven’t had any neighbors over.This dinner party is way overdue. We have been terribly remiss, haven't we!

     “Well Dorothy, it takes a little time to figure out what sorts of people the neighbors are.  Some neighbors are sociable and some aren’t. And, let’s face it; some are just not our type. Remember, it took us about two months to get settled in and then we had to travel all the way to Nebraska to look after your Aunt Catherine for several weeks. We’ve barely had a chance to get used to our new surroundings.”

     “I know, but all the same. It's high time we had some of them over..”

     “With an emphasis on some of them. Remember the folks right next door.  Always borrowing things and then forgetting to return them. So we have to go over and retrieve them and they act as though they are doing us a favor by returning them. I’m not sure I trust those people in our home” 

     “And then there’s the old maid who lives across the street who constantly complains  about our lights being on all night. An exaggeration to be sure.What business it of hers anyway?”

     “there were only two refusals from my A list. Of course, there are always the rude ones that don't both to RSVP. I dipped into the B list just in case. We'll just squeeze together a bit if some of the rude A listers show up."

    

    "I think the house looks splendid. The new drapes arrived just in time and Aunt Catherine was so nice to leave us her wonderful silver and china sets. In fact, everything looks so wonderful that I hope the neighbors don’t feel that we are putting on airs.”

     “The house does look magnificent. But I don't even want to know how much gas money we spent getting to and from Aunt Catherine’s over the last three years.  We paid a lot for that silver and china. It was no out and out gift. I for one hope our guests appreciate the trouble we have gone to have them over.”  

     "You look stunning, darling."

     "And so do you. I did mention that formal attire was expected.  We're not having a cookout, you know."  

       “Oh, there’s the door. Our first guests! Get the door Malcolm. I'll position myself."

       “Mr. and Mrs. Jenner, it’s so nice that you could come over.  Please come in. Let me take your coats.”

     “Thank you so much for inviting us, Mr. Stewart. And please call us Brenda and Dave.”

     Dorothy Stewart waits for the couple to walk toward her before greeeting them.

    “Dorothy Stewart."

    "It's so nice to finally get to talk with you, Brenda Jenner said. "Our paths cross but there's never time to socialize."

    "And we move in different circles," Dorothy Stewart responded. She looked at the coat Malcolm had draped over his arm. "Oh, Mrs. Jenner, I mean Brenda. I love this coat. It’s so much like one that Malcolm gave me for Christmas, was that two or three years ago, Malcolm? I enjoyed it so much. It made me sad when that design went out of style.”

“I’m thinking three,”  Malcolm interjected.

     “The knock-offs get better and better each season, don’t you think Brenda? And of course, buying clothes just as the styles are changing saves a lot of money. Oh there’s the door again. Please help yourselves to some wine and cheese. Malcolm.”

     “Well, it’s the Johnstons. So nice of you to come over.”  

     “Thank you for inviting us.  Here is a little gift for you.”

      Bob Johnston handed Dorothy a bottle of wine was Malcolm took their coats and excused himself to hang them in the closet.

     “ it was so nice of you to think of us. But you really didn’t need to. You know the Jenners, don’t you?  They didn’t bring anything but themselves and are just as welcome as if they had brought us the crown jewels. My, what a lovely little bottle of wine.  We’ll be sure to open it up when our supply runs low. You, know they always say one should serve the good stuff first and then the budget beverages. Please come in and enjoy some wine and cheese. And, there’s also hand sanitizer on the table for you to use.”

     “Oh, there’s the door again. Where is Malcolm? Oh, I'll go ahead and get it. Oh goodness, I've got to get rid of this bottle. I'll just set in on the floor here by hall tree.”

    She opens the door.  “Lucy Williams!  We’re so glad you could make it." She looks passed Lucy. "Are you all alone? You could have brought a date you know. When you fail to RSVP you can pretty much do what you please. Oh my, what is this? A pie! Is it homemade? It’s so pretty it almost looks store bought. Thank you so much. Please come in and enjoy some wine and cheese.” 

    Malcolm returned and greeted Lucy. “We hope you won’t feel awkward because all the other guests are couples.”

   The doorbell once again rang. Malcolm assumed his duty as official greeter. Dorothy hurried back from the living room to position herself.

   “Well, last but not least, Mr. and Mrs. Carlyle.  Please come in." Malcolm took their coats and motioned them toward Dorothy.

   Dorothy's hostess smile disappeared as she extended her hand to Amy Carlyle. "We heard about your son’s arrest for armed robbery. Please accept our deepest sympathy Of course, we haven’t had any direct experience with felons but know what you must be going through. Hopefully, this party will take your mind off things for a few hours. We are so sorry and share your disappointment in your son. Please join the others over wine and cheese as I go put the finishing touches on dinner.” 

(The group mingles over wine and cheese for a few minutes and then Mrs. Stewart announces that dinner is ready. The guests find their seats.)

     Malcolm begins the proceedings with a welcome. “ I was telling Dorothy this afternoon that it was high time we had some of the neighbors over. This is such as nice neighborhood.  It’s so simple, plain, and down to earth.  We hope you will enjoy this little get together. You don’t want to know what all of this cost us!  (chuckles)  I’d like to offer a toast and then we can proceed to the buffet table. Here’s to great neighbors, great times, and great food and drink. And we await your invitations at some point!  No pressure.”

(The guests line up at the buffet table.)

     Dorothy supervised the line and handed out plates. "Please help yourselves. And I know Mrs. Carlyle that you are concerned about your weight, but forget about it for this one evening.  Eat as much as you care to, that is, if Dave Jenner will save you some. Need an extra plate, Dave?

     Lucy Williams informs Dorothy Stewart that she is vegan)

     “Well Lucy, maybe that’s why you’re still single.  I’m afraid I did use chicken stock with the vegetables. Maybe you can pick out the bacon bits and enjoy the salad. And please enjoy some of the pie you brought us. We assume it is vegan.  Poor Malcolm is allergic to strawberries and I have found that vegan pastries, you know, leave a little to be desired.  So there’ll be all the more for you!  It’s the thought that counts, anyway!”

(The group returns to the dining table)

     Dorothy gets everyone's attention. “I almost forgot. Please don’t use the silk napkins.  They are there just for decoration. Getting spots and stains off them is next to impossible.  There are cloth napkins under the silver. Please use those, if you need to. And I’ll be counting the silverware tonight if any of you have ideas!”

     She surveys the table to make sure folks have followed her instructions. “Oh, you’ve already dabbed your mouth with the silk napkin, Lucy.  Not to worry. If it’s damaged I’ll be happy to tell you where you can get a replacement. It will be no trouble at all.”

     “Going back for seconds already, Mr. Johnston?  My, you must be hungry. I guess when you live with a wife who has to be stick thin you don’t get to eat very much at home. Well, just help yourself. “

     Things began to settle down when Dorothy had to have another word.“I hope you all are enjoying the fillet.  I can’t believe it cost $17.00 a pound.  The price of fine cuts of meat is just unbelievable these days.  I guess that’s one advantage of being vegan, Lucy, isn’t it.  And don’t you worry one moment about that stain you just made on the table cloth. I can take it to a special cleaner. They’re expensive but worth every penny.”

(All of the dinner guests have, by now, become quite nervous. The Jenners have had about enough of the Stewart’s “hospitality” and rise to take their leave.)

     “Oh, too bad you have to go. We didn’t even get to try out the wine you brought." She frowned, then laughed. "Oh, I’m sorry. That was the Johnston’s. You didn’t bring anything.  Malcolm, be a dear and get their coats from the closet. You remember, Brenda’s is the out-of-style knock-off of the original you gave me two seasons ago.”

     “Three seasons.” 

     The other guests take their cue from the Jenners and gradually rise and regretfully announce that they, too, must go. They come up with creative reasons for leaving. As the couples exit, Malcolm Stewart expresses his disappointment.

     “We are so sorry you must all leave.We just assumed that since you accepted our invitation that your calendars were free all evening.We really did put a lot of effort and expense into this evening and are so sorry that it is being cut short.   Perhaps next time, if there is a next time, you will be more thoughtful and display better manners.” 

    After everyone left, the Stewarts bemoan the evening.

     “ I had so hoped these neighbors would be better than those in our last neighborhood." Dorothy said. " Remember how rude they all were when we threw a party for them?  It just goes to show that you don’t really know people until you try to do something nice for them.” 

    “Let’s face it, Dorothy. Some people just lack refinement. The Jenners are probably back at home watching some inane television program by now.”

     “We’d better put all of the food away.It’s far too costly to toss. And, do you think it would be tacky to regift the wine the Johnston’s brought us?”

     “I don’t know, Dorothy, it’s such an inferior label. Let’s just put it away. We might bre able to use it in cooking.”

     “You are probably already starting to think about a summer cookout.  Always the thoughtful one!”

    “We know who will not be on the guest list!”