THE INITIATION

THE INITIATION

“Young man,

What’s going on?

What’s that in your pocket?

Are you trying to take something?

Steal it?”

“No, sir.”

I’m not a thief.

I mean to pay for it.”

Out from his pocket came a watch.

“My bad.”

“Your bad?

What does that mean?

You’re not a punk, are you?

You know, son, I know your mother.

Now go.”

Shendrick handed the watch back to the store owner,apologized, and left the store.  It was his third attempt at shoplifting.  He had failed on the first step of his initiation into the gang he so wanted to join.  He had to face the local gang leader, Mr. K.

“Shendrick?

How’s it going?

You bein’ a good bro?

What goodies have you brought to me?

Let’s see.”

“Oh gosh,

man, Mr. K.

I really tried man.

I followed everything you said.

No luck.”

“Luck? Bro!

You needed luck?

So you don’t have nothing?

You’re telling me you couldn’t lift

nothing!”

“That’s right.

I’m not good, man,

at lifting things from stores.

I’m too obvious, I guess, man.

Don’t know.”

“Okay.

I like you, bro.

So, you blew your first test.

You were nervous.  That’s a good thing.

Right bro?”

“I guess

I was nervous.

I’m not a master yet.

I’ve got a long way to go.

Right, man?”

In Mr. K’s mind, Shendrick had learned a lesson. He gave him another test. The second test was to steal one wallet or purse every day for three days.  Each day, Shendrick would bring the item to Mr. K for his inspection.  On the first day, he lifted a wallet from a man’s pocket.  He brought it to Mr. K.

“A wallet.

Good job, Shendrick.

Let me see what’s in it.

Hmm, there’s nothing in this wallet.

Decoy.”

“Oh man.

I can’t b’lieve that.

It was just too easy.

The guy didn’t notice nothin’.

Nothin’!”

“Well, bro.

The pinch got pinched!

It happened to me once.

Now, go after something that’s real.

Not trash.”

Shendrick hung his head as he left Mr. K’s crib.  He would never get into the gang at this rate.  Of course, he did have to go to school.  At school, one of his teachers, Mrs. Prentiss, praised an essay he had written for her class.  She said he had promise as a writer.  He just needed to separate street talk from formal writing more.  Shendrick thanked her.  After school, he set out on his second quest, determined not to fail this time.  He noticed a restaurant that had outdoor seating.  It was a beautiful fall afternoon and the restaurant was packed with diners enjoying the food and the weather.  Shendrick noticed a table where a woman had carelessly placed her purse on the table beside the outside rail.  He thought about how he easy it would be to snatch the purse and be off in a flash.  He looked around and felt confident he could do the deed.  There was an alley he could duck into only one door down from the restaurant.  He put his plan into motion, grabbed the purse, and was off toward the alley.  He ran squarely into a city policeman.

“Ho there!

Is that your purse?

(He said sarcastically.)

It doesn’t go with your outfit!

(He laughed.)

“Oh, sir.

I’m so sorry.

That was really stupid.

I’m a good kid, please believe me!

Really!”

The policeman walked the boy back to the restaurant and had the boy give the purse to the lady, who was shaken up.  Shendrick apologized to the lady and looked mortified as he quaked in his shoes.

“Young man,

that was not smart

and you know it wasn’t.

You won’t let this happen again,

will you?”

“No sir.

Thanks, officer.

I’m really a good kid.

It was just too tempting,

that’s all.”

Shendrick didn’t know what to do.  Although the policeman let me off with a warning, he did take down Shendrick’s name, address and phone number.  He also took down Shendrick’s mother’s name.  Shendrick couldn’t face Mr. K with another failure, but he didn’t have enough nerve to make another attempt.  He decided to go over to one of his uncle’s homes and pay a visit.  While he was there, he found an old wallet in a drawer.  It was empty except for a few business cards. After he “pinched” the wallet, he asked his aunt if he could borrow five dollars to buy some flowers for his mother as it was her birthday.  She was so pleased with his thoughtfulness, she gave him ten dollars. Fortunately for Shendrick, she gave him a five and five ones.

“Shendrick?”

“Yes, Mr. K.”

“D’you do better this time?”

“Oh, yes.  I think I did lots better.”

“Let’s see.”

                            

“A five,

And then five ones.

There are some business cards

How come there’s no i.d. in here?

That’s strange.”

Mr. K looked at the business cards.  One of them had a name on it that was the same was Shendrick’s last name, “Odwalloh.”  He asked Shendrick where he got the wallet.  Shendrick was so afraid; he admitted that he had stolen it from his aunt and uncle’s house and that his aunt had given him the money. 

“You know,

I’m real upset.

Fam’ly stealin’ ain’t cool.

No one in my gang steals from fam’ly.

Got it?”

“Yes, man.

But I got caught

trying to pinch a purse.

The police took my name and all.

I got …”

“Got scared.

So you got scared.

Bro, are you scared of me,

or are you scared of the police?

Or both?”

“Of both

you and the cops.”

“You’d better be scared, bro.

Scared of me but not of the cops.

That clear?”

Mr.  K demanded that Shendrick return the wallet to his uncle and the money to his aunt.  He also decided to put Shendrick to the ultimate test.  He gave Shendrick a pistol and told him to rob someone at gunpoint.  He told him he should only use the weapon to scare the victim and then only use it for self-defense. Shendrick had one week to bring Mr. K the goods from his robbery.   Shendrick was very nervous about the firearm, but he also wondered why Mr.  K kept passing him up the ladder when he’d failed every test he’d been given.

With the pistol tucked inside his jacket, Shendrick went home.  The first person her saw was his mother, who beamed when he entered the apartment.  Her sister had called and spilled the beans about the flowers. There were no flowers.  Shendrick’s father was quite a cook. He had prepared an amazing birthday dinner for his wife, son and daughter.  Around the table, things were lively until his mother asked Shendrick a question.

“Shendrick?”

“Yes, ma, what’s up?”

“Your aunt called me today.”

“Oh, she did.  How is she?”

“She told me about the flowers.”

“Oh, yeah.”

Fortunately for Shendrick, he had not placed the money back in his uncle’s wallet.  He pulled the money from his pants pocket. (He had placed the pistol safely in his room.)  He explained that he didn’t have time to get flowers and that he was sorry.  The fact that there was a flower seller right on the corner of the street where their apartment building was didn’t register with Shendrick.  Also fortunately for him, he had purchased a present for his mother, which he presented to her very ceremoniously.  It was a beautiful vase she had admired.  It was even carefully gift wrapped.

Of course, Shendrick dared not take the pistol to school with him, so when school let out the next day, he rushed home to retrieve it.  He hid it in the inside pocket of his jacket. As he was starting to leave, he met his mother, who was returning from work.  She asked him why he felt the need to wear a jacket on such a warm day.  He made some lame excuse and went on his way.  However, when he arrived at a park where he planned his first “stake out,” he noticed that no one else was wearing a jacket.  It was unseasonably warm for October.  He decided to go home, ditch the jacket and pistol, and go play some basketball.  On his way to the court, he had to pass by his school.  His biology teacher, Mr. Metcalf, noticed him, and called him over.

“Shendrick.

Good to see you.

I have great news for you.

You know your lab experiment?”

“Yes, sir.

What about it?”

“It received an award.

It shows truly outstanding work.

Good job!”

Shendrick couldn’t believe his biology experiment had been singled out for special honors.  He loved his classes and did well, but this year seemed to be going especially well.  As he had two big exams the next day, he decided to forego basketball.  He forgot all about his new assignment from Mr. K as well.  The next day, he took his exams.  He felt good about both of them.  He also received lots of praise from teachers and students at the school for his biology award. 

When he got home, he retrieved the pistol and put on his jacket.  The weather was cooler that day, so a jacket wouldn’t stand out as much.  In spite of his academic successes, he was still determined to prove himself worthy of being a gang member.  He decided to go to a different park as he felt that someone might remember him from the previous day at the park nearest his home.  He found a relatively secluded area and sat with a book.  As he read, he would lift up his eyes every so often to see if there might be any candidates.  The day was overcast, which made it darker and safer for a robbery to take place. Then, an older woman came by and sat on the same bench as Shendrick.  She noticed the book Shendrick was half-way reading.

“Hello,”

the woman spoke.

“What’s that you are reading?”

“Crime and Punishment by Do … sto –“

“evsky.” 

“How nice!

Is it for school?”

“No ma’am.  I just like it.”

“You should also read War and Peace.”

“I have.”

Shendrick shuffled on the bench nervously.  He could feel the pistol inside his jacket.  This park of the park had become nearly empty and here was this older woman with a purse.  It would be so easy for him to reach into his pocket, pull out the pistol, and hold her up.  She then, however, continued:

“Young lad.

I applaud you.

You’re improving your mind,

when you could be up to no good.

How fine!”

                    

Shendrick might have taken her comments as being somewhat condescending or perhaps racist.  However,  she was right. He was improving his mind when he could have been up to no good.  She then explained how she had lost her only son to cancer.  It so happened that Shendrick’s biology lab experiment involved the study of cancerous cells.  She seemed quite interested in his work and encouraged him to continue in it.   Shen then looked at her watch and excused herself.

Shendrick went home and enjoyed supper with his family.  He had three more days to complete his assignment for Mr. K.   Wednesday came and went.  Thursday came and went.  After school on Friday, Shendrick went home and placed the pistol in a bag.  He then sat down and wrote Mr. K a note.

“Hey sir,

I’ve failed ev’ry test.

You’ve been very patient.

I guess I’m not fit for a gang.

I’m bummed.

And sir,

Though I have failed

And know I’m not worthy.

I have gotten to know myself

better.

Thank you

for all your trust.

I have learned lots from you.

You have put me through my paces.

Thank you

My friend

and my mentor.

Crime is just not my thing.

I just craved being in a gang.

That’s all.

Shendrick folded the note and put it in the bag with the pistol.  He walked over to Mr. K’s crib with the bag tucked inside his jacket.  As he approached the building where Mr. K lived, he noticed lots of police activity.  There was also an ambulance.  He saw a body being wheeled from the building.  It was Mr. K! Forgetting that he had the pistol in his jacket, he ran over to the ambulance.  Mr. K saw him.

“Shendrick?”

“Yes, Mr. K.”

“Did you get the job done?”

“No sir, I’m afraid I didn’t.”

“You pass.”

With those words, Mr. K breathed his last and was placed in the ambulance.  A policeman came over to Shendrick  and asked him if he knew Mr. K.   Shendrick told him he did.  Carefully wording his comments, the policeman asked Shendrick if he had ever successfully completed any jobs for Mr. K.   Shendrick said no.  The policeman patted Shendrick on the back and scooted him away. 

Away from the scene, Shendrick removed the bag from his jacket and took out the note.  He carefully wiped the pistol clean of any fingerprints he might have left on it and threw it in the river.  He kept the note.  He understood what Mr. K meant.  His failure to pass the initiation into the gang was actually a favor.  Mr. K  knew all along that Shendrick wasn't gang material.  A few weeks later, Shendrick was walking from school toward home when he spotted a gang member.

“Hey bro!

What’s cookin’ man?

Still lookin’ to hook up?

I can make it happen for you.

What say?”

Shendrick took the note he had written to Mr. K, handed it to the gang member, and walked away.

BITTER FRUIT

BITTER FRUIT

Nittie Palmer had a rough upbringing.  The eighth of nine children, her father, “pawpaw,” bailed when Nittie was three.  Her mother, “mawmaw,” would have as well, except that she had at least an ounce of parental responsibility in her.  The checks that came in every month from child welfare didn’t hurt either. 

Nittie couldn’t wait to follow her brothers and sister into school.  The consolidated school in their rural Appalachian community was about the only place the children could go in the winter and be guaranteed a warm place to be.  On the first day of school, Nittie proudly entered the schoolhouse and gazed in awe at the posters, books, blackboards, and desks.  However, when she answered her name at roll call, she could see the look on her teacher Mrs. Pearson’s face.  The look said it all:  “Good grief.  Another Palmer child!”   Nittie knew that her older brothers and sisters were hardly model students.  While the lure of hot oatmeal every morning and the occasional cup of hot cocoa would have by itself delighted Nittie, it wasn’t enough for her brothers and sisters.  Even the warmth of the school during the harsh winters couldn’t draw them in.   Their attendance was sporadic at best, and when they did bother to come to school, they were more often than not sent home for behavioral problems.

From the beginning, Nittie looked on school as a place of hope and discovery.  Mrs. Pearson was amazed.  One day, Mrs. Pearson found Nittie cleaning up the classroom.  She wasn’t asked to do this.  She did it to stay in the school as long as possible.  “Nittie?”  “Yes’m Mrs. Pearson.”  “You are a fine young lady.” “Thank you ma’am.”  “Are you sure you’re a Palmer?  You’re nothing like your siblings.” “Mrs. Pearson?”  “Yes, Nittie.” “What are siblings?”  “I think I need to sit down.”  “Are you okay, Mrs. Pearson?”  “I’m fine, Nittie.  I just can’t the fact that you asked a question.  Siblings are brothers and sisters.” 

Nittie progressed through school with straight A’s.  But there was a price to pay.  The other children in her school, and especially her siblings, would taunt her and tease her mercilessly.  Their favorite taunt was “Nittie, Nittie thinks she’s pretty, when in fact she’s full of …”  They’d all start laughing when they reached the last word.  Even her mother rarely had a good word for her.  A historic moment was reached when Nittie was promoted to the 11^th grade.  No one in her family had reached that number.  Her older brothers and sisters dropped out.  Some eventually went into the service, some got involved with people who were even lower on the food chain than they were. 

One day, Nittie was browsing in the library.  Mrs. Pearson walked in.  “Nittie, can I speak with you in private?” “Yes’m Mrs. Pearson.”  “Let’s go to my classroom.

Nittie and Mrs. Pearson went to Mrs. Pearson’s classroom and Mrs. Pearson closed the door.  On looking around the classroom,  memories of first grade flooded over Nittie.  She could still smell the oatmeal and cocoa.  “Nittie, I’m so proud of you.  Have you thought about going to college?” “Yes ma’am.  I want to be a doctor.”  “You’ll be a great doctor. What colleges are you looking at?” “It would be a dream with I could go to State University.  I go to their website every time I can get on a computer.” “It’s a wonderful school, and they have an excellent pre-med program.  Promise me you won’t abandon this dream.”  “I won’t, Mrs. Pearson.  Somehow, I’m going to make it happen.”  “I know you will.  … Nittie, there’s another thing.” “What’s that, Mrs. Pearson?” “I know from your records that your legal name is Nittie Palmer.  Do you like your name?” “Is there something wrong with it, Mrs. Pearson?” “No, not at all.  It’s just that the name ‘Nittie’ sounds more like a nickname than a full name.  You might think about changing it.  You can still go by ‘Nittie’ if you choose, but it would be as a nickname.” “That’s something to think about, Mrs. Pearson.  What name should I choose?” “Well Nittie, that’s your choice.  Nittie does sound like a nickname for Anita.  What do you think?” “I like it.  I don’t know anyone named Anita.” “Just think about it, Nittie.”  “I will, Mrs. Pearson.  Thank you for your faith in me.” “You’re most welcome.”

During her senior year in high school,  Nittie’s English teacher helped her submit her application to State University and evaluated her work on a college level.  She adopted the name “Anita Pearson Palmer.” The fact that she was accepted came as no surprise to anyone at the school.  Nittie  kept everything a secret from her mother.  One of her older sisters was killed in an automobile accident and her younger brother was getting involved in drugs. When Nittie walked across the stage at graduation, there was no one from her family present.   She was absolutely floored when the faculty presented her with a large check to help with her university tuition.  She had also been awarded a substantial work scholarship by the university.

In Nittie’s little community, getting a driver’s license was much more coveted than a high school diploma.  Nittie waited until the summer before leaving for State University to get her license.  Her boyfriend Gabriel taught her to drive as no one in the Palmer family had a car.  She had begun dating him during their senior year.  He was by far the smartest boy in the class, and was also a jock and quite good looking.  Naturally, most of the girls threw themselves at him, but he only had eyes for Nittie.  Even he, however, dropped her when she wouldn’t put out.  They did remain friends. 

Nittie also had a flair for sewing.  During her senior year, she looked at many photos of college girls and created designs from them.   During the summer before going off to college, she would go to the school.  The principal would let her into the home economics classroom where she made a number of outfits for college.  The home economics teacher even helped her achieve a more professional look and gave her lots of fabric.  She even made two outfits for her mother, which she left for her when she left home.  There would be a note in one that said, “This is for you to wear when I get my university degree, should you choose to come.”

Her driver’s license arrived in the mail.  Her mother saw it and asked Nittie what it was.  When Nittie said it was her driver’s license, Mrs. Palmer asked to see it.  She inspected the license and handed it back to Nittie.   “Who is Anita Pearson Palmer?” “That’s me, mawmaw.”  “You’re Nittie Palmer.  Ain’t that name good enough for you?” “I love my name, mawmaw, but I need a fuller name.” “Why?”
“I’m going to be a doctor.”  “A doctor?!? And I’m going to be a asternaught. You just think you’re somethin’, don’t you?” “Yes, mawmaw, I do.”  “Well, why don’t you just get your little hiney outta here and take your driver’s license with you, Miss Anita Pearson Palmer.  That name, don’t mean nothin’ to me.”

Mrs. Pearson and her husband let Nittie spend the rest of the summer with them and saw her off at the bus station on a hot August morning as she headed for State University.  Mr. Pearson gave her a trunk.  The faculty gave her lots of things a college girl would like.  Mrs. Gallagher, her English teacher, even gave her a laptop computer.  During her time at State University, she would write her mother every week, but her mother never responded.  She also wrote all of her teachers to let them know of her progress. Nittie returned to her little hometown during the fall of her freshman year, but her mother made it clear she wasn’t welcome in her home.  What siblings and schoolmates who were still around still taunted her with the “Nittie, Nittie, thinks she’s pretty” gibe.  

Anita Palmer, as she became known at State University, flourished.  At the blink of an eye, she graduated and found herself accepted into medical school.  Once again, she walked across a platform to receive her diploma, but this time in a large stadium.  She’d sent her mother an invitation, and even sent her money for a bus ticket.  Her mother was nowhere to be seen.

Before beginning medical school at State University, Anita returned home.  She discovered that her mother had moved.  Neither Mrs. Pearson nor Mrs. Gallagher ever saw her or any of Anita’s siblings. Her mother had quit her job at the local diner.  The rumor at the diner was that she ran away with a man.

While in medical school, Anita met and fell in love with Daniel Powright.  When they both completed their residencies, they decided to set up a practice in a rural community similar to the one Anita had grown up in.  It took a while for the practice to get a foothold in the area.  Anita and Daniel lived from hand to mouth and often accepted services and goods in exchange for payments.  In fact, their house, its furnishings, and much of the food they ate were provided by community members. 

After about ten years, Daniel grew tired of the routine medical care he and Anita typically provided.  He grew especially impatient with people who returned time and time again with the same problems, problems that should have been cleared up the first time.  During this period, they had two children.

One evening, after an especially long and tiresome day, Daniel sat down with Anita at the kitchen table.

“Anita, …”

“I know what you’re about to say, Daniel.  You can’t take another day of this type of medical practice.  I’ve seen it on your face for years.  Frankly, I’m surprised you’ve lasted this long”

“Anita, I love you, but I don’t love these people.  If they would follow our instructions, I’d feel like I was making a contribution.   But the people here are no healthier than they were ten years ago.  I’m worn out.  I also long to work on a more advanced level. ”

“I know.  So, what should we do?”

“Let’s look for someone to take over, someone young and full of energy, and let’s move on.”

“I can’t Daniel.  These are my people and I can’t desert them.”

“I guess that means…”

“It means you need to do what you feel is best.  We still love each other, and we still love our children.  Believe me, they know what kind of strain you’ve felt.   Jody has even asked about it.”

Anita and Daniel separated.  Daniel moved to a larger city that had a major hospital.  He began rejuvenating his career by developing a specialty.   Anita continued her work in the small community by herself.  Their children divided their time, but it was clear that while they loved their mother, the lure of a larger city and more opportunities led them to prefer being with their father.  They spent as much time together as possible, but it became inevitable that their marriage was over.  Anita and Daniel divorced amicably and three years later, Daniel remarried. 

One day, as Anita was tending to the endless stream of fractures, cuts, stomach ailments, and other routine ailments, the receptionist came into the examination room to let Anita know that there was someone who wanted to speak to her.  Anita told her she could see her in about an hour.

The woman waited in the waiting room until Anita had time for a break. When Anita walked out, she immediately recognized the woman.  It was her mother.  She was wearing the dress Anita had made for her all those years before, the dress she had hoped Mrs. Palmer would wear to her university graduation.  Mrs. Palmer was much thinner and frailer than she had been.  The dress hung on her like it might on a scarecrow.

“Hello mawmaw.”

“Hello, Nittie.”

They stood awkwardly in front of each other, just staring at each other.

“So you’re a doctor like you said you’d be.”

“Yes, mawmaw, I am.  Let’s go into my office.”

Mrs. Palmer looked around and noticed the diplomas and citations on the wall. “Well, good for you.  Pin a rose on your tail.”

“Is that what you came to tell me?”

“I really don’t know why I came here. I live about five miles from here, but got a ride with a friend to take care of some business and was just walkin’ around killin’ time, and saw the sign in front of your office. ‘Anita P. Palmer, M.D. Family Practice.’  I just decided to come on in.”

“I’m glad you did.”

“Fat chance of that.”

“I mean it.  I’ve always worried about you.  You seem to have fallen off the face of the earth.”

“Well, you might have heard that I ran off with a man. I can really pick the winners!  We lived together for a couple of years and then he just walked away just like your pawpaw did.  I drifted around.  Don’t ask me what I did to stay alive. It’s not pretty.”

“Mawmaw,  there are lots of people waiting to see me.  Can we have supper together?”

“I’ve got to meet up with my ride.  I just thought I’d stop in.”

As Mrs. Palmer walked out the office, she turned around and said to Anita:  “The fruits of my loins are all bitter.  Where did I go wrong?”  She then laughed and walked out the door.

“Folks,” Anita announced to the ten or so people waiting at her office, “I need to leave my office for a few minutes.  My receptionist, Miss Drew, will do everything she can to make you comfortable.  I do apologize, but this is important.”

Anita then flew out the door and headed up the street. “Mawmaw, stop, please!”

She was able to catch up with Mrs. Palmer and just planted herself in front of her, stopping Mrs. Palmer in her tracks.  “Mawmaw, what was that statement you just made all about?”

“Just the jabberings of an old woman, nothing else,” Mrs. Palmer replied.

“It has to mean something.  Now listen!  You didn’t come to my high school graduation. You threw me out of the house when I decided to take up a name other than ‘Nittie.’  You didn’t come to my university graduation.  You never answered my letters.  You weren’t at my wedding.  I could go on.  I think you at least own me five minutes of your time to explain a few things.”

“I don’t owe you nothin’!”

Anita decided that her mother must be mentally off, so she decided to approach her gently.

“Please, mawmaw.  Please just let me know why.  You can leave and catch your ride.  But please let me know why.”

Anita guided Mrs. Palmer over to a bench and they sat down.

“Okay. You win.  I’ll make it quick and simple.  Your pawpaw had a roving eye.  On one of his rovings he got a girl in the family way.  She couldn’t keep the baby, so I agreed to take the baby in.  I already had seven, so one more wouldn’t make much difference.  I was a big woman, so no one could be sure it weren’t mine.  We got papers made up even. You were that baby.  Now, can I go?”

“So, what you’re saying is that all of your children went one way, and I went another, right?”

“They went the way they was intended to go and you went the way you was intended to go.  That’s all I can figure about it.”

“You know I tried to be a good daughter and a good sister to my siblings.”

“You kept rubbin’ it in all right.   ‘Nittie, Nittie, thinks she’s pretty.’ “ Mrs. Palmer then laughed.

“Just one more question, and then you can go.  I promise.”

“What’s that?  I hope my ride hasn’t taken off.  But then, what’s new?”

“Do you know who my biological mother was?”

“You mean the little whore who popped you out?”

“If that’s what she was, yes?”

“She weren’t no whore. She was a nice girl, as far as I could tell.  Her name was Anita.”

With that comment, Mrs. Palmer stood up and walked away.

A FAMILY MATTER

A FAMILY MATTER

 

Jack and his brother Luther were like oil and water.  Jack couldn’t remember a time when they got along.  This wasn’t surprising considering they were raised in a turbulent home where it seemed that everyone was constantly at each other’s throats.  On top of that, it was a family where people said what they thought in a purely unfiltered way and let the chips fall where they may.  Jack and Luther’s dad was a fireman and their mom was store clerk.  They did a lot of venting at home.  Jack and Luther had a sister, Edie.  Everyone seemed to get along with her just fine, just not with each other.

When Luther finished high school, he went straight into the army.  Jack was relieved that he didn’t have to put up with Luther’s temper and unfiltered insults, at least for a while.  Then it happened, Luther was severely wounded in combat and had to return home for rehabilitation.  Jack was five years younger than Luther, so he was a junior in high school when Luther returned.  The army had in no way helped with Luther’s anger management problems.  If anything, his injury and experiences in the army made him worse.  He was also quite reclusive.

In spite of their continued animosity toward each other, Jack felt sorry for his older brother and tried to help him.  Luther took the offers as charity and refused attempts by anyone in the family to help him, especially Jack.  The only person whom he allowed to get close to him was Edie.  Edie was the middle child in the family and was going to a community college.  She wanted to become a nurse, so it was quite natural for her to want to help her older brother.  And Luther didn’t consider her help charity as she was in training and he was providing her with good practice.  He figured he was doing as much for her as she was for him.

Jack had as little to do with his brother as he possibly could.  When he was going somewhere where his brother might want to go, he would ask Luther if he wanted to go, knowing full well that Luther would refuse.  He would even bring things home, such as a burger or a soda, and Luther would throw them to the floor and expect Jack to clean the mess up.

The parents tried to give Luther a wide berth, but their own anger at each other didn’t diminish.  The both played the blame game and Luther was as good an excuse to argue as any.

Over time, Luther became quite depressed.  One day, he went into the bathroom with intent of killing himself.  He locked the door.  His mother went to the door and asked Luther if he was okay.  He said he needed some time alone.  She got concerned and called Jack to help.  Jack talked to Luther through the door.  When he got no response, he burst into the bathroom and found Luther lying on the floor surrounded by a pool of blood.  Jack used some towels as tourniquets and called for his mother to call 911.

The ambulance came and Luther was found to be still alive.  He was taken to a hospital.  As soon as he was stabilized, his family came to visit him.  His father cursed Luther out for being a wimp and a coward until his mother managed to pull him away.  They both left the room, leaving Jack and Edie with Luther. Edie naturally tried to console her older brother and tell him he wasn’t a coward.  Jack stayed in the background.

“And what do you have to say about all this, pug?” Luther asked of Jack.  “I guess you think I’m a coward, too.”

Jack didn’t know how to respond.  The first thing to come to his mind was to say, “I don’t think you’re a coward. For some reason you’ve always been angry, but then, everyone in our family is always angry about something, except Edie.”  He then turned to Edie.  “Why aren’t you angry all the time like us, Edie?”

“I don’t know, Jack.  I’ve never had anything to be angry about, I guess.”

Jack then commented, “We seem to fly off the handle at the least little thing. I don’t get it.”

Luther then commented, “Things were just fine until you were born, pug. You messed things up.”

“How did my being born mess things up?”

“Well, it was me and Edie for two years.  It was great.  And then you came along.  Mom and dad started fighting more and things just sort of fell apart.  Maybe having you was too much for them. Maybe their marriage was going south anyway.”     

“You’ve never liked me, have you Luther.”

“To be honest -- no.”

“What did I do to you?”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.  Why don’t you two just go home and let me alone.”

“Luther,” Edie said, “we’ll leave you now, but we’ll be back.”

“Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”

As they walked toward the car, Jack commented, “Edie, do you think Luther will ever be okay?”

“I’ll be honest, Jack.  I keep wondering when you’ll be okay.”

“So, it’s my fault!”

“It’s no one’s fault!  It’s just that you’ve always let Luther get under your skin.  Luther has some reasons to be mad at the world.  You don’t.”

“And what would those reasons be?”

“For starters, mom and dad made it clear to him from the time he was able to understand, and even before that, that he was not the son they had hoped for.  You know he’s always been slow and really had to struggle in school.  When I came along, because I was a girl, he didn’t seem to mind that I caught on to things quickly.  Then, you came along, and Luther saw you as a threat.  He was right back there when he said that mom and dad’s marriage began to fall apart when you came along, but it had nothing to do with you.  Dad was injured for a while and there was some doubt as to whether he would be able to continue as a fireman.  Being a fireman had been his lifelong dream and the idea of having to give it up got to him.  The department gave him administrative work, which he hated.  He loved being a smoke eater.  You were too young to know what was going on and even I didn’t understand everything.”

“I’m not exactly Mr. Wizard.”

“That might be, Jack, but you’ve never really had to struggle.”

“Even so, isn’t the problem Luther’s and not mine?”

“It’s yours because you let him get to you.  And even when you’ve tried to be nice to him, he sees that as the smart, younger brother trying to help out the slow, dim-witted older brother.  He feels that you feel that you are better than him.”

“So, what can I do about it?”

“This might sound crazy, but I think you need to do something to get mom and dad really mad at you.”

“They seem to get mad at me all the time.  I won’t have to try very hard.”

“No. I mean you need to do something big.   Nothing bad like robbing a store or hurting anyone, but something big.”

“What good will that do?”

“I’m not sure, but it might let Luther know that even people who are smarter than he is mess up and get called on the carpet.  He just needs some help feeling good about himself, and you need to change your relationship with him.”

“Let’s see.  I do something big to piss mom and dad off.  Luther gets to gloat a little, and then everything’s hunky-dory, right?”

“Of course not.  The other thing is that it has to be something bad that you really want to do.”

“What about smoking pot?”

“Is that something you really want to do?”

“No. I’m not even interested in alcohol.”

“Jack, there’s got to be something bad that you want to do that you’ve been afraid to do.”

“I’ll have to think about it.”

“Okay, but don’t think about it forever.”

A week passed.  Luther was released from the hospital and returned home.  He was to meet with a counselor every day.  His father stood fast to his accusation of wimpiness and his mother just looked worried and helpless.  Edie waited for Jack to do something bad.

“Jack, did you get the clothes from the cleaners today after school?” his mother asked.

“I forgot.  I’ll pick them up tomorrow, okay?”

“Not okay.  I need one of the dresses you were going to pick up for a reception tomorrow afternoon.  Mrs. Clifford is retiring and everyone’s throwing her a party.  Heaven knows the store isn’t going to do anything for her except perhaps keep allowing her to take ten percent off any future purchases or some nonsense like that.  March yourself down to the cleaners right now and get those clothes.”

The cleaners closed at six, so Jack had about thirty minutes to get there.  On the way, it started raining.  He was on his bike and hurried to beat the rain.  It was then that he got a brainstorm.

“Mother?”

“Yes, Jack?  I see you’re back.  I hope you made sure the clothes didn’t get wet in the rain.”

“About the clothes.”

“What about the clothes?”

“I got to the cleaners and picked up the clothes.  As I was coming home, the rain really started to come down hard, so I stopped at a store for shelter.  As I parked the bike, I didn’t get the kickstand down completely and the bike fell.  The clothes were in the basket and they fell under the bike.”

Jack held up the dirty and rain-soaked garments.  He had made sure the door to Luther’s room was open.  It usually was.  House rule.

“Oh, Jack!  How could you be so careless!  These clothes are practically new!”

“I’m sorry.  It was a mistake.  Please take the cost of recleaning out of my allowance.”

“Oh, that’s understood.  Now, I’ve got to figure out what to wear tomorrow.  Oh, and I happened to think while you were out that you promised you would stop in to see Miss Dunsten on the way home from school.  She’s been quite ill, and I know she always enjoys it when you stop by.”

“Oh geez.  I forgot.  I guess I have lots on my mind.”

“You forget about the clothes.  You forget about Miss Dunsten.  You ruin the clothes you pick up. What’s next?  Are you going to set fire to the house?”

“I’m really sorry.  Today’s just been a bad day.”

“Sorry doesn’t cut it.  Go in and cut up the potatoes for supper.  Your father will be in at around 7, so we need to get supper finished.  I’ll be right in the kitchen with you, so you can’t ‘forget.’”

Jack’s father arrived home in his usually gruff mood.  He always immediately went to the bathroom to clean up.  This routine was a signal that food better be on the table when he entered the dining room. Jack, his mother, and his father sat around the table.  Luther always ate in his room and Edie was working evenings.

“Jacko, I assume you picked up the materials from the hardware store I need to repair the toilet in the master bathroom.  Your mother’s been nagging about it long enough, so I want to getter done.”

“Oh geez, dad.  I forgot.”

“You forgot?  I gave you a list and money this morning.  I even called the store to have them pull everything off the shelves so you could just walk in, pay, and come home with the crap.”

“That’s not the only thing our son forgot,” Jack’s mother commented.  “He forgot to pick up the clothes from the cleaners.  He forgot to check up on Miss Dunsten – and by the way Jack, I called her to make sure she was okay.  She said she really missed seeing you.  Then, he went to the cleaners and picked up the clothes, but dropped them in the rain and ruined them.”

“Well, aren’t you the winner,” Jack’s father commented sarcastically.  “You can be lazy, but I see you’re adding irresponsibility and carelessness to your endearing qualities.  Did you apologize to your mother?”

“Yes, of course.  I’m really sorry about everything.  It’s just been a bad day.”

“You’re a junior in high school, for Christ’s sake, not nursery school.  Are we going to have to stand over you to make sure you get things done?”

“It’s just one day, dad.  Can’t a person have a bad day?”

“Well, I think you need a bad night.  In fact, I think you need a bad couple of nights.  You’re grounded for two nights.  I see you’ve finished your supper, so why don’t you take Luther something to eat and then go to your room for the evening.”

“Okay.”  Jack only hoped that Luther had heard most of what had gone on at the supper table.  His room was near both the kitchen and dining room.

“Here’s your supper, Luther.  Better eat it before it gets cold.”

Jack placed a tray on a table in Luther’s room and then started to leave.

“Wait up, pug. I want to talk to you a minute.”

Jack turned around.

“Pull up a chair.  I don’t need to, ‘cause I’ve got my own special chair.  And close the door.”

In spite of the “house rule” that Luther’s door be kept open, Jack closed it.

“What’s up?”

“I may be slow, but my ears is good.  I heard what went down this afternoon between you and mom, and then at supper between you and dad.”

“Yeah, they’re pretty mad.”

“Nothin’ new about that.  But it’s what they said to you that I want to talk about.  It’s nothin’ compared to what they’ve said to me and about me my entire life.  I just wanted you to know that.”

Jack felt that Luther was having another of his pity parties.  However, he also felt that Luther was opening a door, so he decided to kick it open a bit more.

“How so?”

“Well, pug.  Dad called you lazy, irresponsible, and thoughtless.  Mom referred to you as ‘our son’ as if I didn’t exist.  I wish I’d be referred to as lazy, irresponsible, and thoughtless.  The words dad chooses for me are things like slow, a coward, a wimp.  In other words, you fall short of their expectations for you from time to time.  They have no expectations for me.”

“Oh, Luther.  You know that dad’s vocabulary is not the biggest.”

“But he chooses his words deliberately.  And I’ll tell you something else.  But first, I want to apologize for what I said to you back in the hospital.  You didn’t mess things up.  I shouldn’t have said that.”

Jack was stunned.  Luther never apologized for anything.  No one in the family ever apologized for anything.  They just sort of moved on.  The motto over their front door might as well have said “NO REGRETS!”

Luther continued:   “Pug, when mom was expecting you, I was so excited.  I hoped, hoped, hoped, you’d be a boy.  Edie was a good sister, but she was a girl.  I wanted a brother to play with.  When I heard you was a boy, I was the happiest I’d ever been.  Then, they brought you home.  I’ve always had good ears and will never forget what I heard mom and dad say in the kitchen, when they thought I was out of earshot.  Mom said, ‘I just hope Jack won’t be slow like Luther.’  Then dad replied, ‘No chance of that.  One retard in the family is enough.  We’ll just pack him up and send him back to the hospital if he is.’  They laughed at that comment.  They laughed!  My excitement suddenly vanished.  I instantly hated you.  The only way I was going to like you was if you was, I mean were, slower than me.  Well, of course, you weren’t.  You’re no rocket scientist, and Edie is smarter and quicker than you.  I’m glad about that, ‘cause girls need to be smart.  Boys don’t.  I decided to call you ‘pug’ and to grind you down every way I could. Now, look at you.  You’re almost as big as me and will probably be bigger.  I’m the coward, the wimp, the slow one, the retard.  All you are is lazy, irresponsible, and thoughtless sometimes.  Which would you rather be?”

Edie’s idea seemed to be working. Although what Jack had done, or not done, wasn’t “big” in one sense, it was big enough to trigger something inside Luther.

“I’m sorry, Luther.  I never really saw any of that, but now I do.  You’re absolutely right.”

“There’s no need for you to be sorry for me.  I’ll be fine.  But I’ve got to do a few things.  For starters, now I’m going to call you Jack, and not ‘pug.’  Now Jack, why don’t you go out and get me a soda and burger from the place down the street.  This supper’s cold by now and I don’t really like anything on the tray anyway.”

“I’m grounded, Luther.  I can’t leave the house.”

“I know.”  Luther laughed.